How many rooms are there?
There are six guestrooms and one suite. The suite is currently occupied by a lion. He’s tame, though. (Actually, it’s Wild, the famous actor! Yes, he is the lion in the TV ad for clothes pegs.)
Is there a TV in every room?
No, but every room has a goldfish bowl.
Does every room have a view?
Yes, some rooms have a sea view, while some have a view of the Chilly Peaks. One room overlooks the hotel’s famous botanical garden.
Is there a botanical garden?
What is the most dangerous plant in the botanical garden?
It’s the Venus Flytrap. If you’re a fly it’s very dangerous, otherwise it's not particularly dangerous. The next most dangerous is probably the rose bush - sharp thorns! Then the nettlebed. Oh, I forgot the coconut palm. Don’t sit underneath that one. And don’t fall asleep because the creeping vine might get you. Follow the guidelines that Tusks, the gardener has posted on the gate.
Does the hotel have a doorbell?
No, you can just walk straight in. There’s a bell on the desk if there’s no-one at reception. If the bell is broken, which it sometimes is, just make a noise somehow - but please do not bang the dinner gong!
Are there any pigeon-holes?
Yes, there are pigeon-holes behind the front desk.
Do the rooms have concealed lighting?
No, but you can put the bedside lamp in the wardrobe if you like.
Is there a minibar in every room?
Yes, every room has a minibar full of drinks and snacks for your enjoyment.
Rice crackers with fish heads?
Yes, of course.
Are there any tatty old paperback books in the lounge?
No. Try the Ritz.
Is the hot water sometimes boiling hot and then suddenly freezing cold?
No. Try the Ritz.
Is there a small writing pad and pencil in every room?
No. Try the... oh, yes there is.
Is there a pencil sharpener?
No. Try the Dorchester.
Some pictures taken by Skates, the bellboy - bless him!